Secret Shache: Lost episode
''Recently, I've seen a lot of Crappypastas and Trollpastas whose premise relies entirely on a certain show. The problem with this is that either the show has been done to death or it's likely the reader hasn't watched the show, which alienates them. So, I have decided to write the Trollpasta below around a show literally nobody has heard about. Enjoy.''
I remember that day as if it were yesterday. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping. Everything was perfect.
Until I found it.
That DVD.
I was walking along, headed home after a grocery trip when my foot bumped something. When I stopped and looked at it, I could barely believe it. It was a copy of a “Secret Stashe” season! I looked around, then slowly reached for the disk, making sure not to drop the brown bag in my other arm. As soon as I grabbed hold of the beat-up, plastic case, I felt a sharp pain on my hand. After putting the disk with the groceries, I found that there was a diagonal scratch halfway across my palm.
“It must have been a rock”, I assumed.
An hour later, I was sitting on the couch, flipping through the newspaper with it's usual banter about who's supposedly destroying the economy when I had remembered the disk. I glanced over at the coffee table where it rested and I noticed something odd. Other than being as beat up as you would expect, the cover was missing some characters, and it was labeled as “Season 7”. Obviously, they had only made 6 seasons of the show, so this was odd, but I figured I was just out of touch.
Oh boy, was I wrong.
Finally mustering the energy to get up, I slipped the disk into the DVD player, which promptly brought up a list of episodes.
“No advertisements. That's nice.” I thought to myself.
However, the title screen was off. Out of the five chairs in the orange room, one of them seemed broken. It also had a red tint to it, unlike the bright green color it usually was. This made me pause for a moment, but I figured I shouldn't think about it too much, otherwise it might end up being a spoiler for something. As I sat down, I hit the “Play” button on my remote, starting the first episode.
It started with it's usual intro, but something was off. The walls of the starting cave had something written on them. I believe it was something in Latin. Even more, unlike the stroll Mack and Sophie usually do, they walked solemnly in formal attire. At the time, I had (incorrectly) guessed it was a Halloween episode, but I still felt something was off. This was way too grim for this show.
After a few seconds, they were at the base, as usual, but there was a row of chairs with faceless people on them. I was horrified as I looked at the center of the screen, showing a fine oak box with a framed photo on a stand.
Commander Smack was dead.
I knew he was old, but the creators surely wouldn't have killed him off, would they? Why would they do something like that for the intro? My thought process was quickly cut of as the screen turned dark and a low tone was played. Before I could fully recover from such a confusing moment, a choking voice played through the speakers, uttering a single phrase.
“Go to napsville.”
I immediately knew something was wrong. I wanted to turn it off, but I didn't want to.
The screen changed to the inside of the bunker, now with blood along the walls. The look and sound of the viscous liquid dripping onto the hollow concrete floor almost seemed real. the camera panned down, showing a row of soldiers on the ground in different contorted poses. They were ded.
The camera showed a mix of multicolored static before showing Mack standing in the doorway with a knife.
“They are DEAD!” he yelled. This was odd because he shouldn't have been able to speak. Why could he speak now? He then took two steps forward and let out a demonic yell that sounded like a mix of crying, yelling, and Snoop dog nailing a fish to a wall. I could barely comprehend the horrors in front of me when the corpses began rolling around, their flesh peeling off and their skeletons popping out.
“Come with me Sophie. We are the ones.” He then said something in Latin while dragging the decapitated corpse of Sophie behind him.
I tried to close my eyes, but the longer I held them closed, the more they opened.
Finally, Mack stood in front of The Pit (The one from Season 4), and held Sophie's corpse up in the sky. But this time, Mack had a rope around his arm. He stood on the edge of the lodged door, now rusted and with dents, and yelled something Latin with a demonic voice. He then jumped in. I heard a soft crack and the distant “Aw gosh dang it I forgot to take of my watch” before I heard a gut-wrenching splat as they hit the bottom.
The the screen turned black, and a steady hum played through the speaker. I could not recover from this incident, and I haven't left my house for days. If you see anything about season 7 of Secret Stache, I beg you, do not investigate. You don't want to see any of this for yourself.